What are the chances?

I have been literally shat upon by birds four times in my life.

What are the chances of that?

But wait - there's more to it. I have been shat upon in a particular fashion. It's like a joke for those aviating poopers. Seriously.

Four times in my life, I have been shat upon in such an artful, talented way that the slimy poop schmear falls and lands directly between my glasses and my cheek.

Now I ask you again - what are the chances?

They are plotting against me.

The first time was in junior high. Innocent young me was walking along, minding my own business, when a flying bombardier set his sights on me. Bam! Perfect wedgy of poop schmear lodged between my fresh-faced cheek and my formerly clean huge glasses.

Ok. My glasses were huge then. Did that increase the little feathered pooper's chances? Maybe.

So jump ahead a couple of years. Bigger glasses. Teenage me walking to meet a friend. A dove or goose or falcon buzzes over my head and shi-BOOMs me again. When the dust clears - I can't see past the schmear.

A year later I was painting barns. It was hot. It was buggy. It was miserable. I was just going into a barn to reload my paint when some robin or woodpecker or albatross unloaded on me. The still-warm whitish, greyish goo got glued high up on my cheek. I seriously had bird crap mascara dripping off my eyelashes! Whatever bluejay or booby or other winged bomber had hit me the third time, it was an artful bugger. I'll give him that.

This gull's got gall! Continue reading to learn more.

The last time I got hit with the shit (excuse the vulgarity, but it rhymes so well I can't pass it up!) was in San Francisco Bay. We were at Alcatraz. I was enjoying the day with my husband, seeing the sights and learning more about the famed location. All the while, unbeknownst to me, a gull was sizing me up. He or she accepted the challenge - even though I'd just oohed and aahed about the cute little babies the infernal creatures have!

While I was cooing over the baby - I should've noticed all the target practice evidence around me!

I was just coming out of the restroom when a bird followed my lead and SHI-BAM! Got me! Right between the cheek and the specs!

I was stunned. Here I am reeling in agony after I'd cleared the schmear.

Notice two things in the picture above. 1 - my glasses are small here, but still an easy target. 2 - the bird in the background is watching me.

I refuse to let this shat shake me up. They haven't won. I still go on walks. I still wear my glasses.

Yet I am ever vigilant.

Will the oozy, birdy doo doo hit me a fifth time? I think the chances are in my favor...