We decided to have a little fun - a little fun with absolutely no competitive bent whatsoever. At least - that's what my husband promised me when we signed up for the Missouri River Raft Regatta.
The year was 1988. We'd been married a little while already. Long enough for us to know one another's strengths. And weaknesses.
It was stupid for us to think that this rubber raft race wouldn't be our ruination. He knew I wasn't very athletic. I knew he was super athletic. He knew I wasn't competitive by nature. I knew he turned hammering nails into an Olympic event. We were doomed from the start.
When the foghorn blared, we grabbed our little rubber raft and threw it into the Missouri. Before I could even begin hauling myself on board, I felt my husband's hand on the back of my shorts. He threw me up and on to the raft. "Let's go!" he hollered.
I picked up my paddle and started paddling. Now, it's not a tough move, really. You grab it with both hands and put the flat, wide end into the water. Then you drag it through the wet a while, pick it up, select a new spot in the water for your next row, and repeat. Right?
Wrong.
Turns out I row wrong.
My attempts at rowing were causing us to list to the side. "We're in a whirlpool!" I yelled, laughing at the situation.
My husband moaned.
The Regatta was a 22 mile race down the Missouri. I figured I had plenty of time to figure the whole rowing thing out. Well, thanks to my husband's calm-through-gritted-teeth tutelage, I picked it up fast. We started to go straight in a hurry.
I guess I hadn't thought this through well enough. I'd signed up thinking this would be a neat experience. Well, I got an experience.
We were maybe 15 miles in when my husband turned around and saw another couple gaining on us. "Paddle!" he yelled. "We can't let them take us!"
I thought hard and long on this. I put my paddle into the water and went through the motions, but my heart just wasn't in it. "C'mon, babe!" I argued. "It's all for fun...."
That's when my darling husband said, "No it's not! Kris, we're in fourth place for the mixed couples right now! There's money for the top three spots!"
Money? That was intriguing. "How much money we talking about?" I asked him.
"Up to $100."
I calmly thought about this. Was it worth it? I wasn't sold. And were we really in the running? I had been concentrating on staying onboard and rowing my brains out. Had he really been keeping an eye on the competition?
Then my hubby added, "And there's a plaque!"
Did I say I wasn't competitive? Well I meant that I wasn't competitive unless there was a spectacular prize involved. And spectacular prizes have ranged through the years from a cheesy collapsible charcoal grill to a vacation in the Bahamas. Basically, I'll compete in almost anything when there's something to win. It makes it more fun.
I hadn't read the small print on the flyer. Typical. But now I was all in.
I gave it my all. We kept those contenders in our wake. In fact, we soon cruised on past another couple a few miles downstream. (We high-fived as we passed them - a move that nearly caused me to fall off my side of the raft.) We ended up finishing in 2nd place!
Time has a way of healing old wounds. It also erases old muscle aches and wears away at tense memories. Jump ahead two years and we were back in the muddy Mo again. We were convinced we could take first place this time. After all - we'd been novices the last time we competed.
It was a bit of a flashback. Dave threw me into the boat. We paddled like crazy. I kinda forgot how to keep us going in the right direction for a while - but I figured it out. And another couple was gaining on us fast at about mile 19.
This couple was old.
They passed us without breaking a sweat. They didn't high-five, either. I believe they laughed under their breath as they left us in their wake.
Another couple zipped by - I could've sworn there was a propeller hooked up to their rubber raft somehow, they were going so fast! My hubby got a good look at them. They're forever after described as that burly couple with biceps bigger than my thighs and respectable his and hers moustaches.
Did we win? No. We barely kept afloat. Our raft had a slow leak. We constantly had to bail with the lid from our styrofoam cooler. And it often felt we were in some magical riptide taking us upstream rather than down....
Did we place? Yes and no. We got 4th place. We didn't get any money. That only got handed out to the top three spots.
We did get plaques, though!
(And they only cost me $29.95 at the trophy shop.)
I guess I'm more competitive than I thought.
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